brother used to touch me while i was sleeping...
Posted On Thursday, February 10, 2011
Ok so, this happened a while ago- like when i was 12-14. My brother who was 15-18 would come into my room when he was horny and on drugs most of the time.. and i didn't know what to do so i would pretend to sleep..
and he would touch me while i was "sleeping" and the first time i was so shocked that i just kept pretending to be sleeping.
soo then he came back, a every once and a while, some nights. and i started to like it a bit.
and i know this is wrong and gross and uuughhh i know.
and.. so he started to notice that i was awake sometimes... and he convinced me that i liked it, and i did.. but i didn't really know what was going on.. i guess.
but i gave him head- with a condom on once.
[yeah i realize this is way to much information. but just deal with it. I need to get all this off my chest right now. because its been following me around for a long time... so gah]
and then he'd start coming into my room when i was awake saying he wanted a back massage.. and then things would lead to me giving him a hand job or a blow job. or he would..lick me... and during that time i didn't really realize it was wrong because i enjoyed it..
and then i got older (14) and i told him to stop. and i said it was wrong. and we just dont talk about it anymore. he lives on his own now.
im 19, he is 23 now. and i realize that this was quite a while ago, but i cant let it go. And im not mad at him either- which might seem weird. but he's got his life sorted now.
Although, I think because of it i am now socially awkward. and i havent had a boyfriend, and i only have a very small close group of friends. But i'm the weird quiet one- you know?And i can only talk to guys if im a bit drunk.
Before that started happening i was usually pretty open and social and had lots of friends, but around that time i also switched to a different school, then started high school... and i guess things add up and now im this really shy person and i don't know what to do.
I'm in university now, and i think i want to start having some experiences, but im having difficulty even leaving my residence to meet new people.
and i don't know how to talk to guys
i have a very low self esteem, i am not happy with my body or how i look- ever- i think i am ugly and fat even if people tell me i am not, and i always care what others think about me, even if i don't act like i do.. but its not like that matters anyway because no one even knows me.. i don't even really know myself.
I think i might be ready to have a relationship, but i just can't seem to work up the courage to even talk to people- guys.
and now i'm really lonely, and a bit depressed.
I need some help..but i defiantly don't want to talk to a therapist. so i just stumbled upon this site to... drop the bomb, and hopefully get some of this off my chest as i've been trying to ignore it for a while.
-thanks for taking the time to read, sorry if i shared too much, you'll forget about my story in a few hours so don't worry.
Flag bomb as inappropriate